Some time ago i came across a post on facebook of a lady I had not yet met.
What she wrote was amazing! So I decided to write to her and to ask her permission to share it publicly as I believe that this will inspire many to deal with their troubles and stop hiding.
here is her article:
This is me, without make-up or big googly eyes made-up in Photoshop. For those of you who don’t really know me, I may come up as a bitch; or as someone who has a lot of spare time; as someone who is cold and restrained, or as someone who doesn’t get too close to anyone.
Tonight I had a striking anxiety attack in the bus, and spiralling home with not some of the nicest thoughts in the world, I began to write this. I’ve been dealing with generalized BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) for seven years now.
There are countless times when I researched and considered to a) take my life, b) avoid use of chemical substances treatment that is usually applied c) try to do anything in my own power to move on further with my life.
Over these years, I have gained some things: empathy, which went sky rocket, patience, which I never had as a child, compassion, will power, determination and a wish to be there for others who struggle with this or any other challenges in their lives. I have also lost a couple of things: time – when everyone else was having fun, I was stuck in my own system trying to figure out whether I am crazy, experiencing an anxiety attack or going to die because of breath shortage; friends – because they couldn’t cope with it, or because they never coped with it, and they couldn’t understand it or empathize to it; money – because one time I simply couldn’t stand up anymore and finish the work I had to work.
I may have also lost an ability to be happy with someone, like a partner, or a date, in spite of achieving the courage to spend most of the time with myself alone. I am not afraid of having to keep on facing it. I am just tired, so tired sometimes.
I wish the pains in my chest went off, and I wish I could sleep like normal people, not in American time zone all the time.
I wish the impossible wishes I make before breakfast (and which almost always revolve around the terms of health, moderation and happiness) would kick in better than some synth meds that are supposed to work on my dopamine.
I wish I did not scare people away, and I also wish people made a better effort to understand that if it’s not cancer, an STD, HEP-C, AIDS or any other disease that will eventually show on the body, it doesn’t mean it’s less dangerous, risky, or painful.
You don’t ask to be born with it, inherit it, or be struck by it. It happens to you, and you may spend years trying to understand what’s happening.
You hardly learn to control it, even when you think you nailed it.
You may wonder why I choose to write this down on Facebook, in public, like this, when all these are still regarded so much as private matters. They’re not. Same as verbal aggression is not; rape is not; self harm is not; depression is not.
My anxiety and racing heart are the ones making me go on, paradoxically, because they help me build up momentum in my writing, and ultimately they help me put words into perspective. My tattoos are symbols for hope. All of them.
My photography is a way to deal with the writer’s block I had when faced with depression.
I want to be able to be who I am in spite of my shortcomings, and mostly, instead of a challenging day to day outlook on life.
If we meet, I hope this confession will raise the corners of your mouth, instead of eyebrows. Have a good night, and have trust in oneself.
And this is my reply to her and to you dear reader:
The child within gets to express itself regardless of what people may thing, believe or even may judge her upon.
This is something most people do not have the courage to do. Many are not even aware of who they truly are and therefore not reaching their full potential.
Interesting fact is that most of us have the darkness that you described within us. The proportions may vary, it manifests itself in different ways and each of us has his own way of dealing with it. Some ignore it as long as they can: either to the point where they realize that this is leading nowhere and that the best way is to accept its presence and deal with it, or until they collapse (burn-out, heavy depression, losing it completely or even suicide).
You chose to accept its existence and that’s why you can step into the light.
Stepping into the light is transforming this energy into fuel. Fuel for the fire within you, which will enable you to do what you truly desire with your life.
I myself have gone through a long period in my life being unable to express who I truly was or doing what I truly desired. I was often rejected, discriminated and even crucified when showing a glimpse of who I really was. The society where I spent most of my youth was unable to accept me being different than most over there. After moving back to my birth country things changed. Life got a little easier, but I had grown to be simply unable to really be myself.
I had to experience two burn-outs and meet a few wonderful people who guided me. It was only then that I started to become the real me, that the child within me was allowed to show itself … step by step.
It takes time for this process to complete itself. Will it ever be completed? It is growing, so it’s never ending I guess.
Acceptance of our situation, self-acceptance and self-love are essential to become authentic.
All this has led me to change my way of interacting with people and therefore my way of coaching and my goals in life.
Out of personal experience and from what I’ve seen from others:
Keep moving forward! And what you will need will come to you on the right moment.
Authenticity is one of the things I’ve brought back.
If this has inspired you to come out of hiding and walk towards your bright future, you may consider some mentoring.
I do not pretend to be able to help everyone resolve all his/her problems. Therefore I invite you to request a free consultation get a feel and from there to decide if we proceed or not.
In the second case I may give you some free tips and tools that you can start with and that can help you find the right mentor, coach, help to change your life.
Click here to request the free consultation:
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