Sex.
Sex videos.
That's what I read when I open the search browser on David's iPad in order to find exercises to practice reading "ea" sound with him...
My body starts shaking. I have highly unpleasant sensations in the stomach and I can't breathe. Sex videos?? Porns?? I saw my first porn at 20 and my boy who is turning 9 in September watched porns already??? How many times? When? Instead of learning something he watches porns?? Now he will think that "that" is what people do to have children.. Oh God. What to do? How to stop it? He can't have his iPad anymore. I have to punish him, he is too young, it's wrong, his mind is gonna be fucked up, he will develop wrong ideas. My breath is not getting any better. I am having something like a panic attack.
- Mom, what are you doing there for so long?
-David, I see you've been watching videos about sex.
He freezes..
- You can't do it. You are too young for it. What you saw there is not about love..
-Were those men and women making children?
-No, they were imitating, they are actors, they do it for money and, possibly, pleasure, they don't even know each other. They don't feel love, their hearts are not for each other. You can't watch these videos, it's too early, you have to study and do reading and writing, what have you been doing??
I am breathing abruptly, my mind is all over the place. I have no idea what to do and how to prevent it from happening again. I am totally freaking out and David is already scared because, even though, I am not yelling he sees and feels I am very stressed and my voice is very strict.
- You can't have your tablet anymore, you've been watching these adult videos instead of playing games, you can't meet with your friends to play iPads anymore, it's too much, it's too early.
His shoulders sink, his eyes roll, he stands up and leaves the room.
I'm sitting there alone staring at the word "sex" and I remember to breathe, I take a few deep breaths and my inner observer is like:
-Sofia, you are overreacting...
Some vivid memories from my childhood pop up in my mind and I feel so sorry for what I have just told David. I understand his curiosity, I know that he might feel sexual energy in his body or around and naturally wants to figure out what it is.
I open the door, look out for him, he is sitting on a sofa downstairs in the living room. His palms are over his face. He hears me going down the stairs, opens his face, his eyes are full of tears and he says:
-I am the worst son in the world. I am an idiot.
I rush to him, grab him in my arms, hug him tightly and he bursts into tears. I let him cry first. He cries and cries, I cry too. We sob. When he calms down I say:
-What I said in the bedroom upstairs about not watching your iPad and not seeing friends with gadgets is not true. I overreacted. I didn't know what to do. This is the first time I am a mom, you know. I sometimes don't know what to do. I am so sorry. You are not an idiot, David, you are my love and light, you are the kindest, brightest, most intelligent child I have ever met.
His face brightens up.
-Can I tell you a story?
He happily nods his head.
-When I was about your age I really loved reading. One day I was looking for something new to read and I found a book in my parents' room. It was sitting on the highest shelf so they obviously hid it from me. Inside it there were pictures of men and women having sex. It was my favorite book since then because when I was looking at those images I felt very nice in my body. I felt as if I was a red rose opening its petals to the sun. I really loved being alone at home and when I knew that my parents were not going to be back for a while I took the book and slowly slowly turned every page and incredible feelings arose in my body. I didn't know at the time what that was but now I know - it was sexual energy. It's just like all other energy but sweeter. Did you feel something like this?
-Yes!
His face flushes and smiles.
- Do you want me to tell you one more story?
He is sitting on my lap, I feel his body relaxing.
-Yes!
He looks very excited and relieved.
- One night I woke up and went to pee. There was a red light in my parents' room and some music. Instead of going to the toilet I crawled towards their door and listened. I couldn't see anything because the door wasn't a glass one but I could hear. They were making love. I heard some sounds. I felt such a relief, I remember, because they didn't show any signs of love in front of us, children, but when I heard them having sex I assumed that they actually loved each other.
Since that night I felt when they were going to do it and I didn't sleep, I lay in bed and waited, then opened the door, tiptoed to their door, sat and listened. I felt exactly the same sensations in my body as when I was turning the pages of that book. My parents have never caught me and I felt natural and normal doing what I was doing. What you did is ok. Did you feel curious about what exactly people do while having sex?
-Yes.
His body feels less tense.
- Do you remember the book I have where a man and a woman hug beautifully on the cover?
-Yes.
-It's the book about tantra. Have you ever heard the word "tantra"?
-Yes.
I think to myself - of course, the kid lives on Koh Pangan..
-Tantra means "weaving" in sanskrit, the ancient language of India. Remember those man and woman are like one? They are interconnected, as if they are weaved into one organism? So tantra is "weaving together", it's unity, being one. Remember you told me about light balls you feel in your body and other people's bodies?
-Yes.
-So when these energy centers connect in a certain way tantra happens between people. It can be not only between a man and a woman, can be between two men or two women or a group of people. And it can happen in love making too. What you saw in the videos it's two bodies connecting through genitals, what you saw between me and T., remember, in Nepal when we were up in the Himalayas, that was love and tantra. There was a ball of energy circulating between us no matter if we touched each other or not. Our hearts were singing in unison, our minds and bodies were one. We experienced God in each other.
-Did you have sex?
-Of course, we made love but it was nothing like what you saw in the videos. It was the communication with God through our bodies. I can tell you some time later when you are older what exactly happens in your heart and body, if you want.
-What did people in the videos feel?
-Some pleasure, maybe, but mostly after such fast sex people feel tired. And if people have feelings for each other and look into each other's eyes and breathe and touch each other slowly they feel full and energezed. That's the difference. When you grow up you can check it out yourself. Both are fun but different fun.
Later on before writing it I asked David if he would feel OK if I write about it and share. He approved and made a comment that it would be useful for other people ... Sometimes I just can't believe he is an 8 year old child...And I can't stop thanking the Universe for giving me such an incredible life teacher in the body of my son.
Sex videos.
That's what I read when I open the search browser on David's iPad in order to find exercises to practice reading "ea" sound with him...
My body starts shaking. I have highly unpleasant sensations in the stomach and I can't breathe. Sex videos?? Porns?? I saw my first porn at 20 and my boy who is turning 9 in September watched porns already??? How many times? When? Instead of learning something he watches porns?? Now he will think that "that" is what people do to have children.. Oh God. What to do? How to stop it? He can't have his iPad anymore. I have to punish him, he is too young, it's wrong, his mind is gonna be fucked up, he will develop wrong ideas. My breath is not getting any better. I am having something like a panic attack.
- Mom, what are you doing there for so long?
-David, I see you've been watching videos about sex.
He freezes..
- You can't do it. You are too young for it. What you saw there is not about love..
-Were those men and women making children?
-No, they were imitating, they are actors, they do it for money and, possibly, pleasure, they don't even know each other. They don't feel love, their hearts are not for each other. You can't watch these videos, it's too early, you have to study and do reading and writing, what have you been doing??
I am breathing abruptly, my mind is all over the place. I have no idea what to do and how to prevent it from happening again. I am totally freaking out and David is already scared because, even though, I am not yelling he sees and feels I am very stressed and my voice is very strict.
- You can't have your tablet anymore, you've been watching these adult videos instead of playing games, you can't meet with your friends to play iPads anymore, it's too much, it's too early.
His shoulders sink, his eyes roll, he stands up and leaves the room.
I'm sitting there alone staring at the word "sex" and I remember to breathe, I take a few deep breaths and my inner observer is like:
-Sofia, you are overreacting...
Some vivid memories from my childhood pop up in my mind and I feel so sorry for what I have just told David. I understand his curiosity, I know that he might feel sexual energy in his body or around and naturally wants to figure out what it is.
I open the door, look out for him, he is sitting on a sofa downstairs in the living room. His palms are over his face. He hears me going down the stairs, opens his face, his eyes are full of tears and he says:
-I am the worst son in the world. I am an idiot.
I rush to him, grab him in my arms, hug him tightly and he bursts into tears. I let him cry first. He cries and cries, I cry too. We sob. When he calms down I say:
-What I said in the bedroom upstairs about not watching your iPad and not seeing friends with gadgets is not true. I overreacted. I didn't know what to do. This is the first time I am a mom, you know. I sometimes don't know what to do. I am so sorry. You are not an idiot, David, you are my love and light, you are the kindest, brightest, most intelligent child I have ever met.
His face brightens up.
-Can I tell you a story?
He happily nods his head.
-When I was about your age I really loved reading. One day I was looking for something new to read and I found a book in my parents' room. It was sitting on the highest shelf so they obviously hid it from me. Inside it there were pictures of men and women having sex. It was my favorite book since then because when I was looking at those images I felt very nice in my body. I felt as if I was a red rose opening its petals to the sun. I really loved being alone at home and when I knew that my parents were not going to be back for a while I took the book and slowly slowly turned every page and incredible feelings arose in my body. I didn't know at the time what that was but now I know - it was sexual energy. It's just like all other energy but sweeter. Did you feel something like this?
-Yes!
His face flushes and smiles.
- Do you want me to tell you one more story?
He is sitting on my lap, I feel his body relaxing.
-Yes!
He looks very excited and relieved.
- One night I woke up and went to pee. There was a red light in my parents' room and some music. Instead of going to the toilet I crawled towards their door and listened. I couldn't see anything because the door wasn't a glass one but I could hear. They were making love. I heard some sounds. I felt such a relief, I remember, because they didn't show any signs of love in front of us, children, but when I heard them having sex I assumed that they actually loved each other.
Since that night I felt when they were going to do it and I didn't sleep, I lay in bed and waited, then opened the door, tiptoed to their door, sat and listened. I felt exactly the same sensations in my body as when I was turning the pages of that book. My parents have never caught me and I felt natural and normal doing what I was doing. What you did is ok. Did you feel curious about what exactly people do while having sex?
-Yes.
His body feels less tense.
- Do you remember the book I have where a man and a woman hug beautifully on the cover?
-Yes.
-It's the book about tantra. Have you ever heard the word "tantra"?
-Yes.
I think to myself - of course, the kid lives on Koh Pangan..
-Tantra means "weaving" in sanskrit, the ancient language of India. Remember those man and woman are like one? They are interconnected, as if they are weaved into one organism? So tantra is "weaving together", it's unity, being one. Remember you told me about light balls you feel in your body and other people's bodies?
-Yes.
-So when these energy centers connect in a certain way tantra happens between people. It can be not only between a man and a woman, can be between two men or two women or a group of people. And it can happen in love making too. What you saw in the videos it's two bodies connecting through genitals, what you saw between me and T., remember, in Nepal when we were up in the Himalayas, that was love and tantra. There was a ball of energy circulating between us no matter if we touched each other or not. Our hearts were singing in unison, our minds and bodies were one. We experienced God in each other.
-Did you have sex?
-Of course, we made love but it was nothing like what you saw in the videos. It was the communication with God through our bodies. I can tell you some time later when you are older what exactly happens in your heart and body, if you want.
-What did people in the videos feel?
-Some pleasure, maybe, but mostly after such fast sex people feel tired. And if people have feelings for each other and look into each other's eyes and breathe and touch each other slowly they feel full and energezed. That's the difference. When you grow up you can check it out yourself. Both are fun but different fun.
Later on before writing it I asked David if he would feel OK if I write about it and share. He approved and made a comment that it would be useful for other people ... Sometimes I just can't believe he is an 8 year old child...And I can't stop thanking the Universe for giving me such an incredible life teacher in the body of my son.
