What are Dark Days?
By Pauline van Rijckevorsel
Normally I do not really do this, like post this on your wall to support and stuff,...but this time I make an exception. Because this one is about "mental disorder"'. A theme touching me very personally. I was planning to put the post on my timeline-but suddenly kind of a blog run out of my fingertips. For them. From me. As a peer. A very personal story...
19 March 2017 changed my life forever when I found myself very suddenly in the psych ward where they diagnosed me "bipolar"' that day. Bipolar means: very highs and very lows: mania and depression. Although "I had some "strange" symptoms, I did not agree. I knew the highs yes, but the lows??? I was not "a depressed person"' I was optimistic, full of life energy, bright minded, exploding from love....They drugged me nevertheless and Oh My Goodness: thát synthetic stuff brought me to a dark place. A very dark place. For a year long I slept 16 hours a day. The rest of the time big black bats where hitting my inner walls. It was horrible. That happening I could clearly see why people decide to suicide. There was No Life left, all senses shut or blocked off, self-worth killing thoughts and no perspective on recovery or promising light bulb on the horizon. It was Pitch Black. I thought my life was over. That this was it and that I would die poor and alone as a complete "nobody" who's existence nobody knew of. An outsider of society. A non-fit.
A year later, when I finally got off the meds, things got better. Energy returned and in the summer of '18 I was living my bright life in sunshine again.
Till last november when suddenly a huge grief bubbled out of my bones. I started to vomit and after that the pain started. A huge soul wound started to bleed. I was crying my tears out in waves of deep sorrow.
Is this a depression?
I do not know. To me it was grief.
Is that the same?
No not for me.
Depression to me is the paralyzing effect of hidden/buried (unconscious) sadness/grief. It dims the light and love seems to be escaped to another place.
Grief is the expression of the felt loss. And yes, in those times I do not feel like socializing, I am isolating myself in my own bubble, my own sacred space. That is my healing room.
But in these "cuddly family times", I miss my family of my own, my unborn children, my mum at the other side, the deepest.
Am I mentally ill? Do I have "a mental disorder?" I still do not know. I do not feel like that. It is just life with ups and downs. Highs and lows. Pretty natural to me. I think grieving loss is a very healthy thing to do. And when that happens in the winter season it is not necessarily " a depression".
Is it a chemical dis-balance in the brain? Maybe. -nobody checked-. How to find out?
Is this part of the dark night of the soul?
Is this the pain of the wounded healer? Where all the shamans talk about? To me it feels like that. As a wound. As the pain of empathy in the collective field. -holy crap, lots of sorrow is stored there!- Do we hear about it? No. Or maybe in specific groups were people find a safe space and dare to talk out loud.
And doing so, slowly less shy, I ask myself: Is this my dawn of destiny? Are these my days of awakening? To be freely me? With my flaws and my quirks? Maybe we have to cross the dark desert on bare feet to reach the promised land...
Nevertheless. There are a lot of people out there, who fight a terrible struggle.
I hear them, I feel them, I know them. I meet them in the safe spaces.
To them, for them and all others not yet out there, but fighting their fight as a very personal inner struggle, but still showing a mask of happiness I light a house full of candles in these darkest days of the year.
Pauline
******
The most severe period of the year for depression is coming. Depression and anxiety are very personal mental disorders. Everyone says: " if you need anything, don't hesitate, I'll be there for you." I'll make a bet, that of my Facebook friends, at least 5 will take time to put this on their wall to help raise awareness for those with mental health problems. You just have to copy it from my wall and stick it to yours.
The Holidays can be very difficult for many people. Be patient and kind
19 March 2017 changed my life forever when I found myself very suddenly in the psych ward where they diagnosed me "bipolar"' that day. Bipolar means: very highs and very lows: mania and depression. Although "I had some "strange" symptoms, I did not agree. I knew the highs yes, but the lows??? I was not "a depressed person"' I was optimistic, full of life energy, bright minded, exploding from love....They drugged me nevertheless and Oh My Goodness: thát synthetic stuff brought me to a dark place. A very dark place. For a year long I slept 16 hours a day. The rest of the time big black bats where hitting my inner walls. It was horrible. That happening I could clearly see why people decide to suicide. There was No Life left, all senses shut or blocked off, self-worth killing thoughts and no perspective on recovery or promising light bulb on the horizon. It was Pitch Black. I thought my life was over. That this was it and that I would die poor and alone as a complete "nobody" who's existence nobody knew of. An outsider of society. A non-fit.
A year later, when I finally got off the meds, things got better. Energy returned and in the summer of '18 I was living my bright life in sunshine again.
Till last november when suddenly a huge grief bubbled out of my bones. I started to vomit and after that the pain started. A huge soul wound started to bleed. I was crying my tears out in waves of deep sorrow.
Is this a depression?
I do not know. To me it was grief.
Is that the same?
No not for me.
Depression to me is the paralyzing effect of hidden/buried (unconscious) sadness/grief. It dims the light and love seems to be escaped to another place.
Grief is the expression of the felt loss. And yes, in those times I do not feel like socializing, I am isolating myself in my own bubble, my own sacred space. That is my healing room.
But in these "cuddly family times", I miss my family of my own, my unborn children, my mum at the other side, the deepest.
Am I mentally ill? Do I have "a mental disorder?" I still do not know. I do not feel like that. It is just life with ups and downs. Highs and lows. Pretty natural to me. I think grieving loss is a very healthy thing to do. And when that happens in the winter season it is not necessarily " a depression".
Is it a chemical dis-balance in the brain? Maybe. -nobody checked-. How to find out?
Is this part of the dark night of the soul?
Is this the pain of the wounded healer? Where all the shamans talk about? To me it feels like that. As a wound. As the pain of empathy in the collective field. -holy crap, lots of sorrow is stored there!- Do we hear about it? No. Or maybe in specific groups were people find a safe space and dare to talk out loud.
And doing so, slowly less shy, I ask myself: Is this my dawn of destiny? Are these my days of awakening? To be freely me? With my flaws and my quirks? Maybe we have to cross the dark desert on bare feet to reach the promised land...
Nevertheless. There are a lot of people out there, who fight a terrible struggle.
I hear them, I feel them, I know them. I meet them in the safe spaces.
To them, for them and all others not yet out there, but fighting their fight as a very personal inner struggle, but still showing a mask of happiness I light a house full of candles in these darkest days of the year.
Pauline
******
The most severe period of the year for depression is coming. Depression and anxiety are very personal mental disorders. Everyone says: " if you need anything, don't hesitate, I'll be there for you." I'll make a bet, that of my Facebook friends, at least 5 will take time to put this on their wall to help raise awareness for those with mental health problems. You just have to copy it from my wall and stick it to yours.
The Holidays can be very difficult for many people. Be patient and kind
Original post: https://www.facebook.com/pauline.vanrijckevorsel/posts/2013917708722164
